I'll Never
by mysticxf
Summary: Sawyer wants to know why it’s so different for Jack with Kate.


Lost belongs to JJ Abrams, Bad Robot, and anyone else who owns it. Just borrowing for fun. Sawyer wants to know why it's so different for Jack with Kate.

* * *

Lost – I'll Never  
By Mystic  
January 22nd 2006

* * *

Sawyer went to her in the middle of the afternoon, while Jack wasn't around. She was sitting in a shady spot on the beach near the jungle. Where the trees kissed the sand and the breeze blew strongest. He smiled, watching her yawn unashamed, her mouth wide open, nose crunched and eyes pinched together. Like a young child would almost, innocently, without a parent around to tell them to cover their mouth. He hated when his mother used to tell him to cover his mouth.

"Honey, it's rude," she'd scold him, taking his hand and bringing it to his face.

"Ma, I'm just yawnin'," he'd drawl back with a roll of his eyes. He was always careful to turn away so she wouldn't see. His ma would give him a good licking if she saw him roll his eyes. She thought that was rude too.

He approached slowly, the way he always did and he watched her eyes slide from the ocean to his legs, then up to his face. She got that look, the one she always got when he was approaching. It was a smile, mixed with the remnants of a frown. Like she felt sorry for him. Sawyer knew she did. Knew it was the base of her relationship with him. She was the outsider who snuck her way into the fold and he was the outsider who didn't care to because he didn't know how.

"Mornin' Freckles," he said, boldly, like everything he did. He put on the charm, deepening his dimples and watching the effect they had on her. Her eyes always drifted away from him when he smiled. Even if it were just for a second and he watched her compose herself, her eyes half closing and her bottom lip tucking momentarily under her top lip before she smiled back. Her mind was working on something, crunching it down. It made him curious. Knew it was the base of his relationship with her. There was always something going on just under the surface and he desperately needed to know what.

"Morning, Sawyer," she responded slowly, in almost a half-whisper. As if she'd woken up not long ago. She smiled, thin-lipped and quick and he saw the sadness floating in her eyes. She never wanted him there. Kate wanted Jack.

Glancing around, he felt his hair whip into his face and then back around again and he cocked his head to the side. "Bad night?"

She shrugged, her eyes finding their comfortable spot on the horizon, watching the waves kick in from nowhere. Her hand drifted up, tucking a wavy strand of hair behind her ear and he watched it tickle her neck as the wind played at it. Biting her lip, she lowered her eyebrows and diverted her attention back at him, watching him stare at her. "Can I help you with something, Sawyer?"

He hated when she threw her attitude into his name. Like everything in the world was wrong because he was there. Alive. Breathing over her. It made him feel unwanted and somewhat devious. He jammed his hands into his pocket, feeling the back of his shirt lift with a heavy wind and he sighed. "Just lookin' for some company."

"You ok?" There it was, he knew, his eyes flickering with some hope because he'd broken some layer of her defense and she was concerned for him. Her body straightened slightly, coming off the bark of the tree she'd been leaning against. Her legs unfolded, her boots pressed into the sand, like she might get up if he asked her to.

Sawyer nodded his head at the sand and watched her shift, giving him a spot, an invite, an in. He slung himself into the space, grunting as the weight of his body crashed into the soft sand underneath him. It molded to his body and he looked at her, inhaled her smell and watched the way she stared back at him, as if she'd listen to anything he said at that moment. Sawyer smiled, glancing down at her hands, her fingers winding into each other nervously. "You ever get the feeling we'll be here forever?"

Turning her head, she took in a long breath and expelled it quickly with a short nod. "All the time."

"Thought that'd make you happy," he huffed, watching her eyes disappear into that far off place they went when she stared off into the ocean. Like they were searching for something they'd never find. They rose quickly, bright green and curious.

There'd never be a normal life anywhere for me.

She didn't have to say it, he just knew. He watched her turn away, almost embarrassed. As though she knew he knew what she'd been thinking. She could never have a normal life because she'd run too far away from it to get back. No marriage, no kids, no happily ever after. Same way he felt. And that was their connection. There was no going back to normal for them. Sawyer took one of her hands in his, rolled it over and traced her lifeline with his finger, seeing her shoulders jerk with a shiver out of the corner of his eye. "Ain't so bad, being stuck here," he told her, his eyes sliding up to meet hers.

Her hand moved away, but he gripped it, keeping her in place, her warmth trapped in his palm. He didn't want to let go because he knew he'd never have her. Never hold her. She wouldn't let him. Sawyer watched something like panic cross her face and she gave a light tug at her hand, the left corner of her mouth drifting up into a quick half smile before asking him to let her go.

Sawyer let his fingers relax, watched her hand snap back and she rubbed it against her forehead gently, then tried to push away the blood that was staining her cheeks red. He laughed softly to himself, his head shaking and he knew she was staring at him, those eyes wide and angry. "Sorry," he told her, raising his hand and letting it drop back down on his jeans. "Keep thinking maybe one day it'll be different and you won't be so damned withdrawn."

She looked away from him, towards the lanky figure approaching along the beach. Sawyer could already see her body perk up for him and her hand went absently towards her shirt, straightening it over her breasts. She wiped at dirt stains and sighed when they refused to budge and Sawyer leaned his head back, scratching his scalp against the tree.

"Why's it different for him?"

Kate jerked her head around to look at Sawyer. There was something pensive in her stare that told him he wasn't going to get an answer, but that it was something deep inside that hurt her. Sawyer watched as her face drifted around and she stood, brushing her hands against her jeans, as though trying to wash the evidence of him off her.

He watched her walk away, slowly, pained, her head bowed slightly and saw Jack stare past her, seeing him sitting there, a wildfire in his eyes put out only when she smiled at him. It was infectious, making him shift his eyes to her and grin back, lowering his head and telling her something that made her laugh. He stood still, held out his hands at his sides and Sawyer imagined, for just a split second, that she'd run into them, but she stopped short, her head cocking slightly and she shook it, a hand going to her waist.

Jack's hands dropped at his sides and he did that thing, where his eyes widened and his brows went as high as humanly possible and he nodded, his lips moving quickly as he pointed back towards the caves. They laughed together. Sawyer listened to the sound as it traveled along the beach and he watched them walk away, side by side. He watched the way she occasionally miss-stepped and bumped his arm, the way their fingers brushed together and when he caught her hand a moment.

He closed his eyes against it. Sawyer tried to imagine himself in that position. Tried to imagine her telling him jokes, shoving him away in that flirty way she'd done to Jack just the day before at the caves. But he couldn't. When Sawyer closed his eyes, he found it hard to even imagine her face.

When Sawyer closed his eyes, all he saw was darkness.

* * *

Finis 


End file.
